Follow Up

Almost two years ago, I wrote about my son Zach and his struggle in college.  At the time, I was so discouraged and sad about what was happening.  I saw it as a missed opportunity for him - a door closing with no hope in sight of a "worthwhile" one opening.

As usual, God had a plan that I could not see!

Since junior high, Zach had said he wanted to join the military.  At first it was the Air Force, both of his grandfathers had been officers in the Air Force and, because of his love of all things aviation, he dreamt of being an Air Force pilot.  That changed slightly when he joined JROTC - ARMY JROTC.  His First Sergeant "brainwashed" him - changing his loyalty to the Army and becoming a helicopter pilot. 

All along, we assumed he would graduate from High School, go to college on an ROTC scholarship and then join the Army as an OFFICER.  After all, this was his legacy.  But, as I said earlier, God had a different plan. 

Enlistment Day!

After Zach left college, he came home and began working part time at the mall.  After a few months, he began the to explore enlisting in the Army.  His plan (Zach is good at planning....) was to enlist as a helicopter mechanic and then apply to warrant officer training to become a helicopter pilot.  However, the Army had a different plan.  Helicopter mechanics are typically selected from reenlisting soldiers, not new enlistees so his plan wasn't coming to fruition.  After many months of waiting, avoiding, lying and stagnating - something snapped.  It might have had something to do with my ultimatum - enlist or move out!

As with Zach - once he decided to do it - he did it all the way.  Zach enlisted, signed up to ship out within a month and signed up to be in the Infantry!  

Now, he is a Private First Class in the US Army, stationed at Fort Stewart in Georgia.  He is training to be a SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon) gunner on a Fire Team.  That means he carries and shoots a large automatic gun (kind of like a machine gun) to cover his buddies as they "go in". His brigade may be deployed in 2013 which is fine with me because it is a long way off.

I am so proud of the man he has become, and I see once again that God has a plan for us - the perfect plan for us - and we often have no idea what it is!  Zach is happy and confident where he is - he is successful and able and that is all we should wish for our children.

I Cherish Thursday Nights

Thursday nights are my favorite night of the week these days.



It's the one night we are all here for dinner - even Zach.  It's nice to sit at the table, eat dinner and talk as a family.  It's a big part of what I call "bonus" time.

When Zach graduated from High School and went to A&M I thought we'd never be together again as a family.  While I would much prefer that he were still at A&M, it's nice to have him here too.  I think of this time in our lives as "bonus" time with Zach.  He is becoming a wonderful young man and I love having him around these days.

When he was in High School, life in our house was not so pleasant.  He was an angry, oppositional kid.  He knew he was not living up to his potential and he became defensive.  It was not a fun time.

Now, it's different and I'm so glad for this time.  It's erased all of the horrible memories I had of the time before he went off to A&M.  He and Clark get along so well now - it gives me joy to watch them interact.  It gives me hope that they will always be close and be friends.  I so want that for them - I don't want the patterns their grandfathers developed with their brothers - I want my boys to always love each other and always be a part of each others lives.

So - while sometimes I worry that Zach is still here and not in school or on his own, I also cherish the time he is here and thank God that he wants to be.  He could be like so many other kids before him and want out of the house as quickly as possible.  Instead, he is here, bringing me joy and laughter and warming my heart everyday - not just Thursdays.

The Family Jewels

My favorite blogger @thepioneerwoman has been posting solutions to her jewelry storage dilemma on her blog.  I thought I'd show you what I did to deal with my jewelry.  It's a DIY that I talked about doing for a long time and finally did about a year ago.  I don't have progress photos because I didn't think I'd ever have a need to show anyone what I did.

I shopped around until I found a wall hung medicine cabinet that I liked.  I found this one at Target for about $50.

I set one shelf in the cabinet and measured the back wall and the inside of the door.

Using the measurements  of the back wall dimensions I cut thin foam core and covered it with thin batting and some left over black velvet I had.  I then covered the panels with solar screening (from the hardware store) that I had left over from when we replaced our screens.  This gave me a place to attach pins and brooches.  I glued the panels on the back of the cabinet using a hot glue gun.
For the inside of the door, I cut a thin piece of foam core and covered it with the velvet and screen, leaving out the batting.  This gives me lots of places to hang earrings.  On the inside of the door were screws holding the mirror in place.  I removed them, laid the panel in place and then screwed them back in holding the panel.  It took a little jiggering, but I eventually got it to work.

I then screwed tiny cup hooks on the underside of the shelf to give me hanging space for necklaces.

The final touch was to add a wire across the door panel for earrings with lobster claw type closures.  It was easier to hang these kind of earrings on the line rather than in the screen mesh.I hung it on the wall and viola!  A sweet jewelry holder with a mirror on front.

Now I don't have to look at the mess, I just close the door and its gone!  Perfect!!

Nick's Birthday Party

Today i successfully surprised my husband. I gave him a car he has been wanting for at least 30 years. A 1971 El Camino.

I bought it for him because he would never buy it for himself! He found it on the internet - it was in Missouri. He looked at it, pined for it, talked about it and drove me crazy about it for almost 4 weeks. I told him to buy it but he wouldn't "We can't afford it" was his excuse.

I got tired of hearing that and decided to buy it for him!

It was great - after I put the bid on it and they marked is as "sale pending" on the site he was devastated. When he told me, I said "you should have bought it!", then I laughed.

It got here and I had to hide it at work in the parking garage. It is REALLY loud and FAST.

I gave it to him at a small surprise party we had at a local BBQ place. About 25 of our closest friends showed up. It was a great evening.

I think he is happy with it - it needs work; it will be a nice project for him.

The Weather is Gloomy, My Mood is Gloomier (sp?)

Today it is official - my son will not be going back to college this semester.  He has finally done what he needed to do so that they are not allowing him to attend due to his "poor scholastic" performance.

I am sad.  I am sad for my son.  He is missing the best opportunity he may ever have.  He was accepted to a major (top 10) university after he graduated from High School (barely thanks to senioritis).  He was accepted to the ROTC program at that college.  He joined an awesome outfit in ROTC and has made a lot of great friends.  He has many people praying for him and his success DAILY.  Yet - he did not hold up his end of the deal and - yes I will say it - FLUNKED OUT!

I am mad.  I am mad at my son and my husband.  My husband also was accepted to the same college after he graduated from High School (with a 3.something).  He went to college and did poorly, became afraid to tell anyone, partied instead of studied, and then FLUNKED OUT!  Why am I mad at him - I think he gave our son too many chances.  We should have made him stay home this past semester, we should NOT have paid 100% of his costs.  Yeah - I am mad.

I am alone.  I am alone because when I talk about how my son has let me down, how I am sad and disappointed, how I am not sure my son will ever straighten up I get grief from my husband.  He does not want to hear this from me.  He feels I have given up on our son.  I haven't, I just need to voice what I am feeling and thinking. 

But - I am not allowed to.

So - I talk here - to no one. But it helps.  That way I won't say anything to anyone that will upset them and make them think (and tell me) that I am a bad mother.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated because my son is now sitting in his room doing - who knows what - instead of looking for a job or attempting to enroll in a local college.  He should now be doing BOTH of these things.  We have told him that he cannot stay here without at least a job.  But, is he out looking?  NO!  Why should he??  He has it GOOOD here.  And I'm not sure his father will follow through with the consequences we have talked about.  I am SURE my son doubts he will.  Thus, the lackadasical attitude.

So, I will sit here and type my thoughts into an anonymous screen to post on an anonymous blog.  I will not tell people how sad, mad, alone and frustrated I feel.  I will not tell them that I just want to cry - I just want to curl up and sleep. 

The ironic thing is that I am enjoying him being around. He is being very cooperative and polite. I guess I need to back off and just enjoy him being here. I will smile and pretend nothing is wrong.


But, I will also feel sad 
 
I will feel sad about a girl who missed great opportunities and now has regrets to deal with.  Regrets she knows she shouldn't have, but still thinks about.
 
I guess I see myself in him and I can't bear to think of him feeling this way about his life and choices.

"Didn't I tell you?"

This afternoon I rushed out of work at the last possible minute to make it to my son’s school to pick him up at 5:00. He needed to be picked up because he didn’t ride the bus home. He didn’t ride the bus home because he had to stay after school. He had to stay after school to serve detention. He had to serve detention because he didn’t turn in his signed Progress Report. Why did he have to turn in his signed Progress Report? Because he didn’t turn in all of his English work and his grade is – well – less than stellar.

So – I make it to the school at 5:00, drive into the parking lot and pull into a close (!) parking space. I wait (I’m not bored; I’m on my iPhone, playing Scrabble). And wait, and wait, and wait. He’s later than he usually is after D-Hall (Yes, we’ve done this before – that’s another story). So – using the technology at hand, I text him –

“im here”

Response - “ok we r n the adetorioum” (English is not his strongest subject)


Me – “Do I have to come get u?” (I ask this because it is after five o’clock and sometimes the administrators lock the kids in the school until their parents come to get them – I think it is a conspiracy to make us feel even guiltier because we left our kids at school so late)

Him – “If u want to watch us”


Me (in my mind – huh?) “What r u doing?”


Him – “Playing”

By this time, I am putting the top up on the convertible and getting out of the car. Now playing in the auditorium in this case does not mean fun and games, it means playing a cello. He’s playing the cello, which means the orchestra is playing – which means there is a performance tonight. Guess what – I didn’t know about it!

So, I walk in to the auditorium and there they are – a small contingent of the Varsity Orchestra, playing a lovely melody behind a table on stage. On the front of the table hangs a large banner –

“National Junior Honor Society”

So now it is beginning to make sense. He is here – not to be inducted into the Honor Society (more on that later), but to provide musical entertainment during the induction ceremony. I sit down and watch. The teacher is conducting, the students are playing, there are other students in the auditorium bustling around, adjusting microphones, checking papers, etc. I sit there in among the preparations and smile. It looks like I’m going to get to hear an orchestra concert and watch other people’s children be inducted into the National Junior Honor Society tonight. I settle into my chair.

Now – five years ago I would have been irritated (to put it mildly), but tonight, I sit and watch. I observe the teacher, working with the orchestra. I watch the students, finding their mark, adjusting chairs, setting out candles. Soon, families start trickling in – I love to watch people. So, I quietly watch as parents find seats, younger siblings act out, and grandparents stand bewildered at the activity looking for a familiar face.

Thirty minutes before the ceremony is to start, the auditorium is buzzing. Orchestra squeaking, parents talking, flashbulbs popping, children crying – all of the familiar sounds of a middle school event. It is comforting somehow – this is the sixth year I’ve experienced middle school as a parent and it is predictable.

I think again about how I would have reacted five years ago – when my oldest child was in middle school. My attitude and demeanor would have been totally opposite. I would have been angry, frustrated, restless and just plain mad. Unfortunately, I would have taken it out on him (such is the burden of the oldest child – your parent is usually as immature as you). I have a pang of guilt and regret. It’s not something I can take back, but it is something I try everyday to replace.


Then it hits me, this turn of events is about forgiveness. Me forgiving my son for not telling me about the performance – he intended to tell me, but forgot. And me forgiving myself for not being more patient in my younger years – I was learning too.

Living in forgiveness is so much easier, so much more fulfilling and brings me so much closer to God. I pray that my children see that and strive to live it.
Oh – you want to know about the Honor Society? On the ride home, I ask my son –


“Weren’t you invited to be in the Honor Society?”


“Yeah – I was.” he answers.

“So – why didn’t you join?”


He shrugged and says, “I didn’t fill out the form.”

And that is that. Another opportunity to offer forgiveness – and to give a lecture on the importance of joining the JHS so you can put it on your college application….

Question

Do you ever get tired of being you?  You know - you don't like what you say, how you act or what you are doing at that particular time in your life and you're just...tired.  That's how I've been feeling.  And I think to myself - I need to talk to someone about it.  But then my mind has a conversation -

Why don't you just do something about it?

I'm trying - but then - I must not be trying hard enough.  If I was - I'd change

I am extremely good at making up conversations in my mind. I can predict what somone is going to say even before they say it - even if they never said anything like it before. 

This is something I don't like about myself.

So - how does a person change?

I pray to God asking for help - then I read that He can do anything and I just ask him to change me...

It's not happening.  Maybe I like being this way?

But - I don't!  I hate myself like this.  I try to change, I do.  But I just go back to SOS. 

Any suggestions???