Follow Up

Almost two years ago, I wrote about my son Zach and his struggle in college.  At the time, I was so discouraged and sad about what was happening.  I saw it as a missed opportunity for him - a door closing with no hope in sight of a "worthwhile" one opening.

As usual, God had a plan that I could not see!

Since junior high, Zach had said he wanted to join the military.  At first it was the Air Force, both of his grandfathers had been officers in the Air Force and, because of his love of all things aviation, he dreamt of being an Air Force pilot.  That changed slightly when he joined JROTC - ARMY JROTC.  His First Sergeant "brainwashed" him - changing his loyalty to the Army and becoming a helicopter pilot. 

All along, we assumed he would graduate from High School, go to college on an ROTC scholarship and then join the Army as an OFFICER.  After all, this was his legacy.  But, as I said earlier, God had a different plan. 

Enlistment Day!

After Zach left college, he came home and began working part time at the mall.  After a few months, he began the to explore enlisting in the Army.  His plan (Zach is good at planning....) was to enlist as a helicopter mechanic and then apply to warrant officer training to become a helicopter pilot.  However, the Army had a different plan.  Helicopter mechanics are typically selected from reenlisting soldiers, not new enlistees so his plan wasn't coming to fruition.  After many months of waiting, avoiding, lying and stagnating - something snapped.  It might have had something to do with my ultimatum - enlist or move out!

As with Zach - once he decided to do it - he did it all the way.  Zach enlisted, signed up to ship out within a month and signed up to be in the Infantry!  

Now, he is a Private First Class in the US Army, stationed at Fort Stewart in Georgia.  He is training to be a SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon) gunner on a Fire Team.  That means he carries and shoots a large automatic gun (kind of like a machine gun) to cover his buddies as they "go in". His brigade may be deployed in 2013 which is fine with me because it is a long way off.

I am so proud of the man he has become, and I see once again that God has a plan for us - the perfect plan for us - and we often have no idea what it is!  Zach is happy and confident where he is - he is successful and able and that is all we should wish for our children.

I Cherish Thursday Nights

Thursday nights are my favorite night of the week these days.



It's the one night we are all here for dinner - even Zach.  It's nice to sit at the table, eat dinner and talk as a family.  It's a big part of what I call "bonus" time.

When Zach graduated from High School and went to A&M I thought we'd never be together again as a family.  While I would much prefer that he were still at A&M, it's nice to have him here too.  I think of this time in our lives as "bonus" time with Zach.  He is becoming a wonderful young man and I love having him around these days.

When he was in High School, life in our house was not so pleasant.  He was an angry, oppositional kid.  He knew he was not living up to his potential and he became defensive.  It was not a fun time.

Now, it's different and I'm so glad for this time.  It's erased all of the horrible memories I had of the time before he went off to A&M.  He and Clark get along so well now - it gives me joy to watch them interact.  It gives me hope that they will always be close and be friends.  I so want that for them - I don't want the patterns their grandfathers developed with their brothers - I want my boys to always love each other and always be a part of each others lives.

So - while sometimes I worry that Zach is still here and not in school or on his own, I also cherish the time he is here and thank God that he wants to be.  He could be like so many other kids before him and want out of the house as quickly as possible.  Instead, he is here, bringing me joy and laughter and warming my heart everyday - not just Thursdays.

The Weather is Gloomy, My Mood is Gloomier (sp?)

Today it is official - my son will not be going back to college this semester.  He has finally done what he needed to do so that they are not allowing him to attend due to his "poor scholastic" performance.

I am sad.  I am sad for my son.  He is missing the best opportunity he may ever have.  He was accepted to a major (top 10) university after he graduated from High School (barely thanks to senioritis).  He was accepted to the ROTC program at that college.  He joined an awesome outfit in ROTC and has made a lot of great friends.  He has many people praying for him and his success DAILY.  Yet - he did not hold up his end of the deal and - yes I will say it - FLUNKED OUT!

I am mad.  I am mad at my son and my husband.  My husband also was accepted to the same college after he graduated from High School (with a 3.something).  He went to college and did poorly, became afraid to tell anyone, partied instead of studied, and then FLUNKED OUT!  Why am I mad at him - I think he gave our son too many chances.  We should have made him stay home this past semester, we should NOT have paid 100% of his costs.  Yeah - I am mad.

I am alone.  I am alone because when I talk about how my son has let me down, how I am sad and disappointed, how I am not sure my son will ever straighten up I get grief from my husband.  He does not want to hear this from me.  He feels I have given up on our son.  I haven't, I just need to voice what I am feeling and thinking. 

But - I am not allowed to.

So - I talk here - to no one. But it helps.  That way I won't say anything to anyone that will upset them and make them think (and tell me) that I am a bad mother.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated because my son is now sitting in his room doing - who knows what - instead of looking for a job or attempting to enroll in a local college.  He should now be doing BOTH of these things.  We have told him that he cannot stay here without at least a job.  But, is he out looking?  NO!  Why should he??  He has it GOOOD here.  And I'm not sure his father will follow through with the consequences we have talked about.  I am SURE my son doubts he will.  Thus, the lackadasical attitude.

So, I will sit here and type my thoughts into an anonymous screen to post on an anonymous blog.  I will not tell people how sad, mad, alone and frustrated I feel.  I will not tell them that I just want to cry - I just want to curl up and sleep. 

The ironic thing is that I am enjoying him being around. He is being very cooperative and polite. I guess I need to back off and just enjoy him being here. I will smile and pretend nothing is wrong.


But, I will also feel sad 
 
I will feel sad about a girl who missed great opportunities and now has regrets to deal with.  Regrets she knows she shouldn't have, but still thinks about.
 
I guess I see myself in him and I can't bear to think of him feeling this way about his life and choices.

"Usually someone must go to a bowling alley..."

"to meet a person of your stature."
Do you know what movie that line is from? I do!!

I grew up in a family that did not go to many movies. It wasn't that we couldn't afford it or didn't have the opportunity, it was just that my parents weren't that into movies.

I married a man who LOVES movies. Many of his family memories revolve around movies, much of their "traditions" involve movies. Thanksgiving day - go see a movie after an early dinner. Day after Christmas - the same thing. Anytime you are bored - "what's playing at the movies?".
When we were dating, we saw many movies - our first date was to see Porky's - not something I'm proud of - and not a real romantic one. But, he asked me and I went.
Now, my life is defined by movies - when we saw them, movie lines, themes and plots. My boys have inherited their dad's love of movies. They can sit all day and watch movie after movie. Sometimes I have to make a deliverate effort to get up and do something otherwise, I will sit there with them and get nothing done - something totally against my nature.
Why this obsession? I think it has to do with the art of the possible. Movies give us a view of the world that is different from our own. They show us things we might not see or know without them. When you watch a movie - you become part of the story - part of the possible.
Now - I have a long list of favorite movies and I find myself surfing the TV guide looking for a favorite to watch on a lazy Saturday afternoon. I prefer romatic comedies, but will choose action, suspense, documentary and biographical films. The only genre I don't appreciate - horror films - I just don't get them. Why pay to be terrified? If I want to get my heart racing I'll ride a roller coaster - but that's another post.
And - what movie is the quote from? Arthur - my hubby and my favorite movie of all time.

My other favorite movies?
When Harry Met Sally
Bourne Supremacy
My Big Fat Greek Wedding

I'd write more, but White Fang just started which I haven't seen - so it deserves my full attention.
See you at the movies!