The Weather is Gloomy, My Mood is Gloomier (sp?)

Today it is official - my son will not be going back to college this semester.  He has finally done what he needed to do so that they are not allowing him to attend due to his "poor scholastic" performance.

I am sad.  I am sad for my son.  He is missing the best opportunity he may ever have.  He was accepted to a major (top 10) university after he graduated from High School (barely thanks to senioritis).  He was accepted to the ROTC program at that college.  He joined an awesome outfit in ROTC and has made a lot of great friends.  He has many people praying for him and his success DAILY.  Yet - he did not hold up his end of the deal and - yes I will say it - FLUNKED OUT!

I am mad.  I am mad at my son and my husband.  My husband also was accepted to the same college after he graduated from High School (with a 3.something).  He went to college and did poorly, became afraid to tell anyone, partied instead of studied, and then FLUNKED OUT!  Why am I mad at him - I think he gave our son too many chances.  We should have made him stay home this past semester, we should NOT have paid 100% of his costs.  Yeah - I am mad.

I am alone.  I am alone because when I talk about how my son has let me down, how I am sad and disappointed, how I am not sure my son will ever straighten up I get grief from my husband.  He does not want to hear this from me.  He feels I have given up on our son.  I haven't, I just need to voice what I am feeling and thinking. 

But - I am not allowed to.

So - I talk here - to no one. But it helps.  That way I won't say anything to anyone that will upset them and make them think (and tell me) that I am a bad mother.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated because my son is now sitting in his room doing - who knows what - instead of looking for a job or attempting to enroll in a local college.  He should now be doing BOTH of these things.  We have told him that he cannot stay here without at least a job.  But, is he out looking?  NO!  Why should he??  He has it GOOOD here.  And I'm not sure his father will follow through with the consequences we have talked about.  I am SURE my son doubts he will.  Thus, the lackadasical attitude.

So, I will sit here and type my thoughts into an anonymous screen to post on an anonymous blog.  I will not tell people how sad, mad, alone and frustrated I feel.  I will not tell them that I just want to cry - I just want to curl up and sleep. 

The ironic thing is that I am enjoying him being around. He is being very cooperative and polite. I guess I need to back off and just enjoy him being here. I will smile and pretend nothing is wrong.


But, I will also feel sad 
 
I will feel sad about a girl who missed great opportunities and now has regrets to deal with.  Regrets she knows she shouldn't have, but still thinks about.
 
I guess I see myself in him and I can't bear to think of him feeling this way about his life and choices.

"Didn't I tell you?"

This afternoon I rushed out of work at the last possible minute to make it to my son’s school to pick him up at 5:00. He needed to be picked up because he didn’t ride the bus home. He didn’t ride the bus home because he had to stay after school. He had to stay after school to serve detention. He had to serve detention because he didn’t turn in his signed Progress Report. Why did he have to turn in his signed Progress Report? Because he didn’t turn in all of his English work and his grade is – well – less than stellar.

So – I make it to the school at 5:00, drive into the parking lot and pull into a close (!) parking space. I wait (I’m not bored; I’m on my iPhone, playing Scrabble). And wait, and wait, and wait. He’s later than he usually is after D-Hall (Yes, we’ve done this before – that’s another story). So – using the technology at hand, I text him –

“im here”

Response - “ok we r n the adetorioum” (English is not his strongest subject)


Me – “Do I have to come get u?” (I ask this because it is after five o’clock and sometimes the administrators lock the kids in the school until their parents come to get them – I think it is a conspiracy to make us feel even guiltier because we left our kids at school so late)

Him – “If u want to watch us”


Me (in my mind – huh?) “What r u doing?”


Him – “Playing”

By this time, I am putting the top up on the convertible and getting out of the car. Now playing in the auditorium in this case does not mean fun and games, it means playing a cello. He’s playing the cello, which means the orchestra is playing – which means there is a performance tonight. Guess what – I didn’t know about it!

So, I walk in to the auditorium and there they are – a small contingent of the Varsity Orchestra, playing a lovely melody behind a table on stage. On the front of the table hangs a large banner –

“National Junior Honor Society”

So now it is beginning to make sense. He is here – not to be inducted into the Honor Society (more on that later), but to provide musical entertainment during the induction ceremony. I sit down and watch. The teacher is conducting, the students are playing, there are other students in the auditorium bustling around, adjusting microphones, checking papers, etc. I sit there in among the preparations and smile. It looks like I’m going to get to hear an orchestra concert and watch other people’s children be inducted into the National Junior Honor Society tonight. I settle into my chair.

Now – five years ago I would have been irritated (to put it mildly), but tonight, I sit and watch. I observe the teacher, working with the orchestra. I watch the students, finding their mark, adjusting chairs, setting out candles. Soon, families start trickling in – I love to watch people. So, I quietly watch as parents find seats, younger siblings act out, and grandparents stand bewildered at the activity looking for a familiar face.

Thirty minutes before the ceremony is to start, the auditorium is buzzing. Orchestra squeaking, parents talking, flashbulbs popping, children crying – all of the familiar sounds of a middle school event. It is comforting somehow – this is the sixth year I’ve experienced middle school as a parent and it is predictable.

I think again about how I would have reacted five years ago – when my oldest child was in middle school. My attitude and demeanor would have been totally opposite. I would have been angry, frustrated, restless and just plain mad. Unfortunately, I would have taken it out on him (such is the burden of the oldest child – your parent is usually as immature as you). I have a pang of guilt and regret. It’s not something I can take back, but it is something I try everyday to replace.


Then it hits me, this turn of events is about forgiveness. Me forgiving my son for not telling me about the performance – he intended to tell me, but forgot. And me forgiving myself for not being more patient in my younger years – I was learning too.

Living in forgiveness is so much easier, so much more fulfilling and brings me so much closer to God. I pray that my children see that and strive to live it.
Oh – you want to know about the Honor Society? On the ride home, I ask my son –


“Weren’t you invited to be in the Honor Society?”


“Yeah – I was.” he answers.

“So – why didn’t you join?”


He shrugged and says, “I didn’t fill out the form.”

And that is that. Another opportunity to offer forgiveness – and to give a lecture on the importance of joining the JHS so you can put it on your college application….

Question

Do you ever get tired of being you?  You know - you don't like what you say, how you act or what you are doing at that particular time in your life and you're just...tired.  That's how I've been feeling.  And I think to myself - I need to talk to someone about it.  But then my mind has a conversation -

Why don't you just do something about it?

I'm trying - but then - I must not be trying hard enough.  If I was - I'd change

I am extremely good at making up conversations in my mind. I can predict what somone is going to say even before they say it - even if they never said anything like it before. 

This is something I don't like about myself.

So - how does a person change?

I pray to God asking for help - then I read that He can do anything and I just ask him to change me...

It's not happening.  Maybe I like being this way?

But - I don't!  I hate myself like this.  I try to change, I do.  But I just go back to SOS. 

Any suggestions???

A Blessing and a Loss

My youngest child just turned 15.  One more year and he will be driving. 

I've been thinking about that a lot and my mind wanders to other events in my kids' lives where I've looked forward with anticipation and excitement and then - when they happened - I was disappointed.

For instance, I like every other mother on the planet could not wait for my oldest to start walking.  He was big and heavy and he squirmed a lot when he was held.  He did not like sitting in his stroller.  So his father and I were excited when he started the process of learning to walk.  We'd clap when he stood up by himself.  Encourage him to "walk" around the house hanging onto furniture to keep his balance.  We'd sit on the floor and pass him back and forth, waiting for that first step on his own.  Then one day when I picked him up from daycare they said "He took a step today!" (this was typical - the BIG milestones always happened at daycare or my in-laws).  I took him home and set him down.  He tried to walk.  He was wobbly but it was there - he knew what it felt like and he liked it!  In my ignorance, I was excited and relieved.  No more lugging him on my hip or pushing him in the stroller.  We were free!

The joke was on me though.  As soon as he started walking - he took off and never looked back.  Gone were the days when I could control where I walked.  No -  I walked where he walked, usually 4-5 steps behind - running.  Just as I'd reel him in - off he would go.  As a parent you understand.  Yes - it was nice that he was walking - but it was NOT nice that I had to follow him!!

So now my youngest is near driving age.  Another milestone and another loss.  This one may be more traumatic than exhausting.  See - when your child gets their license, they have freedom.  Freedom to go where they want or need to - freedom to leave the house without you.  It sounds like a blessing - no more car pool, no more waiting for practice to be over, no more hurrying out of work so he won't be the last one to be picked up.  But - what you lose is much bigger - you lose time with them.  It may not occur to you that you spend a lot of time in the car with your child and in that time you talk a lot (hopefully) and you get an idea of what is going on in their life.  You hear about progress made in school, about friends and you hear your child - talking to you.  It seems like a small thing, but in these busy times - it is not.  It is gold. 

So - I begin the mourning process for time with my youngest.  Soon he will be on his own - free - and gone...

Want to get more done? Get more to do!!

I have finally realized that the busier I am, the more productive I am. Wait - isn't that obvious? Well - yes, but what I mean is that when I have more to do - I do it better than if I have just a few things to do. I think it's human nature. You have some free time, so you think, I'll do it later, then when it's time to get it done - you are way behind because you spent a lot of time doing nothing.

I've tried to explain this to my 19 year old son which is really a waste of time. If you have teenagers, you know that they know everything and they don't want to hear what you have to say.

So, I'll let him figure it out on his own. Maybe in 30 years - he'll get it. Until then he'll have to learn the hard way - the way his mother did.

Okay...

I'm back. I read a devotional this morning on Proverbs 31. Traci Miles challenged her readers to spend 30 minutes alone each day with God for the next five days. I have accepted the challenge. It is part of a five day "Faith Zone Challenge" to get closer to God so I can hear what He is telling me.

This is definitely a "God-incidence"! It's amazing how He will place a blog, article or verse in front of me just when I need to hear it.

So - my plan is to get up early in the morning and spend 30 minutes praying, reading the bible and just being quiet. Now - I get up early to do my Bible study, but it usually isn't 30 minutes worth and while I'm doing it I'm thinking of all of the things I need to do that day.

Traci challenges us to sit quietly and listen. So, that is what I am going to do. Wish me luck! I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow!

I've been thinking...

I started this blog during a time of unrest. As you can see - it didn't last long. I have a pattern in my life - I get enthusiastic about something - go full bore into it and then - poof! the newness is gone, my enthusiasm wanes and I abandon it.
So - I am going to start this again and STICK WITH IT!
Why the "re-start"?
I am tired of not doing any of the things I say I am going to do!
I spend a lot of time wasting time - do you?
So - with this blog, I will attempt to discipline myself to start something and stay with it!
Have you seen the movie - Julie & Julia? Can you guess why I was also inspired by that movie to start this. In the movie, Julie has a goal - a purpose for her blog. It takes on a life of its own once she starts it. She starts and she doesn't stop - until she is almost finished. It takes over her life, her marriage and her job! But, in the end, she realizes her goal and she lives happily ever after (at least through the credits).
The point is - I am inspired. Now whether this will take or not is up to me.
I am praying that it does - asking for help from God - which isn't a bad thing. I may have a chance!