The Weather is Gloomy, My Mood is Gloomier (sp?)

Today it is official - my son will not be going back to college this semester.  He has finally done what he needed to do so that they are not allowing him to attend due to his "poor scholastic" performance.

I am sad.  I am sad for my son.  He is missing the best opportunity he may ever have.  He was accepted to a major (top 10) university after he graduated from High School (barely thanks to senioritis).  He was accepted to the ROTC program at that college.  He joined an awesome outfit in ROTC and has made a lot of great friends.  He has many people praying for him and his success DAILY.  Yet - he did not hold up his end of the deal and - yes I will say it - FLUNKED OUT!

I am mad.  I am mad at my son and my husband.  My husband also was accepted to the same college after he graduated from High School (with a 3.something).  He went to college and did poorly, became afraid to tell anyone, partied instead of studied, and then FLUNKED OUT!  Why am I mad at him - I think he gave our son too many chances.  We should have made him stay home this past semester, we should NOT have paid 100% of his costs.  Yeah - I am mad.

I am alone.  I am alone because when I talk about how my son has let me down, how I am sad and disappointed, how I am not sure my son will ever straighten up I get grief from my husband.  He does not want to hear this from me.  He feels I have given up on our son.  I haven't, I just need to voice what I am feeling and thinking. 

But - I am not allowed to.

So - I talk here - to no one. But it helps.  That way I won't say anything to anyone that will upset them and make them think (and tell me) that I am a bad mother.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated because my son is now sitting in his room doing - who knows what - instead of looking for a job or attempting to enroll in a local college.  He should now be doing BOTH of these things.  We have told him that he cannot stay here without at least a job.  But, is he out looking?  NO!  Why should he??  He has it GOOOD here.  And I'm not sure his father will follow through with the consequences we have talked about.  I am SURE my son doubts he will.  Thus, the lackadasical attitude.

So, I will sit here and type my thoughts into an anonymous screen to post on an anonymous blog.  I will not tell people how sad, mad, alone and frustrated I feel.  I will not tell them that I just want to cry - I just want to curl up and sleep. 

The ironic thing is that I am enjoying him being around. He is being very cooperative and polite. I guess I need to back off and just enjoy him being here. I will smile and pretend nothing is wrong.


But, I will also feel sad 
 
I will feel sad about a girl who missed great opportunities and now has regrets to deal with.  Regrets she knows she shouldn't have, but still thinks about.
 
I guess I see myself in him and I can't bear to think of him feeling this way about his life and choices.